#8: The Snake Woman (Nure-Onna)
Do you enjoy a nice, cool swim on a hot day?
Perhaps you are particularly averse to receiving a cooling dose of urine
at the local swimming pool? Maybe you just like the sand beneath your
toes as you walk the beaches, choosing a nice, quiet, isolated spot from
the rest of the city plebs.
You put down your towel, throw off the constricting second skin that is your clothing, and head toward the waves.
But hark! You spot a woman in the water; long black
hair flowing around her alabaster skin as she flails weakly. With speed
and grace to rival the very best studs of the Baywatch era, you fling
yourself into the oddly calm waters and swim her way.
You swim toward the endangered beauty, your eyes meeting as you work desperately to save your drowning Ophelia.
...except that now you seem to be paralyzed. Also,
Ariel now appears to be using her long, prehensile snake-body to
gracefully close the romantic distance between you. Perhaps, you
consider, she simply wishes to save you from this terminal case of leg
cramps? Perhaps the piercing of your tender man-flesh by her snake-like
tongue is some odd form of mermaid CPR? No, you are now being slowly
digested by the Snake Woman, or, "Nure-Onna".
The moral of the story should be fairly obvious: Don't try to save a drowning woman. She could be a snake-monster in disguise!
#7: Human Pillars (Hitobashira)
If Soylent Green taught us
anything, it's that there are a great many practical uses for the human
body. Japan reminds us just how practical they can be by presenting the
Hitobashira, or, "Human Pillars". Seeing as the country is already one
at the technological forefront, we have to assume that if Japan tells
us, "hey, it's okay to seal living people inside walls and foundations,
it'll make that shit more durable!", it has to be true! Right? Right?
Because fuck cement!
Dating as far back as the 17th century,
the story goes that as an offering to the gods, living people could be
sealed into buildings as sacrifices, which would apparently please the
great LEGO gods and ensure stability and longevity to the construct in
question.
Bones and other remains have been found on-site of
several different locations, lending at least some possibility that
human sacrifice may have been involved in the making of these buildings.
One such location is Jomon tunnel, located on the Sekihoku Main Line.
In 1968, in the aftermath of an earthquake (or possibly due to pissed
off ghosts) a number of skeletons were discovered sealed into the walls
of the tunnel, standing upright. But then, maybe Japan just gets really
uptight if you abuse your smoke breaks one time too many.
Seeing as many of these structures stand today, perhaps modern workers should take note: Just how dedicated are you to your job?
#6: Hanako-San of the Toilet
Because Japan just loves to punish you for basic bodily functions, this urban legend takes place in a washroom: specifically the third stall from the end of any elementary school washroom (in some variations, it's on the third floor). Unlike the previous urban legends, where the creatures will come at you unprovoked, Hanako needs to be summoned. Though the idea of luring a ghostly little girl into an empty bathroom falls further from "scary urban legend" and closer to "that paedophile on the news last week" than we'd like.
In order to call Hanako, you need to do the polite
thing and knock three times on her stall door. This is usually
accompanied by calling out, "Are you there, Hanako-san?"
If you are greeted with a reply, "Yes, I'm here!",
apart from pissing your pants in terror, you can push open the stall
door to reveal Hanako. Said to be a little girl with bobbed black hair
and a red skirt, the outcome of your courage (or dumbfounding
retardation) differs: Hanako-san will vanish or, for the more shit out
of luck (in every sense of the word), you will be pulled into the toilet
and killed.
If you knock on her stall and receive a reply (and
assuming you don't immediately break the laws of physics during your
escape), you still have the opportunity to walk away if you do not open
the door. If, however, you insist on cornering little girls in toilet
stalls, you may have just enough time after seeing Hanako to make a
break for the exit and escape.
#5: Cow Head
Everyone loves a good scary story; that false sense
of fear that fills you with adrenaline if you happen to be short of
cocaine that particular day. Of course, once the story is over and
you've succeeded in giving your younger sibling bed-wetting night
terrors, everything should go back to normal. Unless it doesn't because
you've apparently died of fucking fright.
The story of Cow Head is apparently so terrifying,
so horrific, so psychologically soul-wrecking, that the exact details of
the tale have long since been lost. To hear it would leave you a
violently trembling mess for days until you eventually died of fright
(much like the effects of Stephanie Meyer's writing on most of the
general public). However, due to what Cracked assumes must be its
Ringu-like superpowers, no full variation is known today, though mention
of it can be found in various written accounts dating back to the 17th
century. We must assume it is hard to recount a story to anyone if
you're...you know...dead.
As the story itself remains largely unknown, there
is little threat that you will hear Cow Head being passed around your
cub-scout campfire any time soon.
#4: Giant Skeleton (Gashadokuro)
If you are visiting Japan and find yourself staying
out a bit too late into the night, you might re-consider taking that
short route through the quiet streets in favour of booking a nearby
motel. Not for fear of anything practical like street crime or the
aforementioned perverts...
...but rather for the 90 foot cannibal skeleton
tailing you home. You're likely to hear this oversized Halloween
decoration before you spot it, as it announces itself by the sound it
makes with its gnashing teeth and an odd ringing sensation in your ears
(caused by what we presume to be your sonic-like shriek at the sight of a
skeleton the size of a building hovering over you).
Moving with the quiet grace of a towering
ballerina, the Gashadokuro will catch you unawares and deftly pluck you
from where you stand. Cleanly removing your head like a Ken doll, it
will sate its otherworldly thirst and anger by swigging your lifeblood
like a delicious smoothy.
Seeing as the Gashadokuro
is made from the skeletal remains of starvation victims, buying the
thing a cheeseburger might not be a bad idea.
#3: Red Cloak/Red Mantle (Aka Manto)
Let's assume for a moment that you, like many,
enjoy the basic human function of going to the bathroom. Perhaps you've
had a few too many servings of sake and make a mad dash for the ladies
toilets closest to you. This article assumes you are either a lady
yourself or one of those beloved perverts so popular to the Japanese
culture.
As you enter the bathroom and try to avoid physical
contact between your ass and the scurvy-infested toilet sear, you
suddenly hear a voice.
"Do you like the red cloak or do you like the blue cloak?"
After sitting uncomfortably for a few seconds,
wondering what possessed someone to break the cardinal rule of keeping
their mouths shut during toilet-time, you answer with hesitation:
"The Red Cloak!"
According to your answer, there are a variety of
hilarious outcomes: If you answered "Red Cloak", you will be sliced
apart like a steakhouse special. According to who is telling the story,
your throat may be cut, your hands chopped off, or you will simply be
cut into pieces until the blood flowing down your fricasseed remains
resembles a "red cloak".
Well Shit! You may be thinking, I'll just answer "blue cloak" then!
Good idea, captain. Now take a deep breath! You're
going to need it when the life is being slowly strangled out of you. The
result leaves your humorously tongue-lolled face a strong blue. Thus,
the "blue cloak".
Sitting in your stall and ruminating on your
options, you may be wondering which of these two you prefer? Well fear
not, intrepid Cracked reader! Due to the foresight of reading this
article, you are well prepared! According to some variations of this
legend, choosing a third color or choosing "neither" will spare you a
gruesome death...or cause the very earth to open under you and swallow
you alive.
#2: Teke-Teke
Japan is to suicide what America is to apple pie.
Nowhere is the theme more prevalent, as the locals will check out for
any reason: from bad relationships to poor grades. Ghost stories are no
different, as the majority of urban legends involving spirits usually
stem from the unhappy Casper jumping headlong into the path of an
oncoming train or stringing himself up from the closest available
chandelier.
The Teke-Teke is said to have been a woman who
either jumped or fell in the path of an oncoming subway train and was
severed in half. Seeing as being cut in half can sort of ruin your day,
her anguish and anger gave rise to the Teke-Teke. Now, she roams
throughout Japan in the form of a torso, dragging herself along with her
claw-like hands. The sound she makes while moving is described as a
"teke-teke-teke" sound as she propels herself using her elbows to
frightening speeds (why is there no F1 circuit for this sort of thing?)
Assuming you haven't already left a trail of dust
and piss in your wake, the Teke-Teke will launch herself toward you like
the world's angriest sideshow attraction, produce a scythe, and cut
your slow ass in half. Teke-Teke produce more Teke-Teke this way, as you
are doomed to become one yourself if caught.
Told mostly as a cautionary tale to keep children
from staying out past dusk, we suggest you listen to your overbearing
mothers and not stay out too late.
#1: Split Mouth Woman (Kuchisake-Onna)
The moral of most Japanese urban legends seem to
consist of "don't go anywhere by yourself. Ever." The story of the
Kuchisake-Onna, or "Split Mouth Woman" is no different. Except that you
are doubly unfortunate if you happen to be a child (We assume your legs
are stubby and slow and we can thusly outrun you).
If you happen to be a snotty pubescent walking
alone one day, you might consider taking a different route if you are
suddenly approached by a female figure in a trench-coat. Now, before you
assume that this will be a harmless display of kibbles and bits, rest
assured: You will be shown something. Unfortunately, it will not be the
coveted boobies.
The Kuchisake-Onna will appear as a tall woman in a
trench-coat with long, black hair. Her most telling feature is the
surgical mask covering the bottom half of her face.
She will approach you and ask you a question: "Am I beautiful?"
If you reply, "No!" Your troubles are over. Mainly
because she will produce a comically oversized pair of scissors and
remove your head. Ah! You're thinking, So I'll answer "yes!"
In which case she will remove her mask to reveal her grotesquely
mutilated face, her smile sliced from ear to ear. "Am I still
beautiful?" She will ask again.
If you have some kind of twisted Joker fetish and
reply, "yes", she will take the aforementioned scissors, chase you down,
and slice you in half. If you reply "no", she'll do it anyway. Some
people just can't be satisfied.
If you don't fancy a haircut with too much off the
top, your best bet is a neutral reply, such as "You're so-so", or
"average". This will confuse the Split Mouth Woman, giving you just
enough time to run like all the hounds of hell are at your heels (or in this case, a crazy bitch with a giant pair of scissors)
source : http://www.cracked.com/funny-7186-8-scary-japanese-urban-legends/
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